I’m back again with another blog! And I want to talk about how weird I am in a few different ways. I’ve always known that I’m weird but I haven’t always known how or why and how all my different traits connect together which is what makes me so weird.
Now first of all, I am going to tell you that I’m Aspie. This isn’t something which I share about myself hardly ever and can only tell people close to me who I can feel a sense of trust with. I’ve always thought that my Aspieness must be the main contributing factor to my weirdness even though I only have mild Aspergers and I am female. But then I’ve always known intuitively that there was another factor involved and that it goes beyond my Aspergers because even within those circles, I don’t feel like I can fit in. They seem too Aspie to me or too focused on mainstream science and do not possess the depth which I seek. No offence to other fellow Aspies out there btw as I fully know and respect 100% that everyone is unique including us Aspies. My comment is from my own experience of connecting with other Aspies.
Anyhow, I’ve always been a really deep and feeling person. I am also a Pisces sun sign and I’m very true to a Pisces but not quite a psychic or anything like some Pisceans are. I’ve always been a deep lover of nature and I always try and seek the truth about life. I am interested in all kinds of esoteric subjects and conspiracy related things and I have my own deep feelings about existence and theories. I could talk about things like this for hours if I am with the right person.
Now, recently, I have finally discovered the reason behind my weirdness. Of course, being my curious self I look into all kinds of fascinating subjects (fascinating to me, anyhow) including psychology. I’m no expert on the subject but I do find it really interesting. I can relate more to Jungian psychology rather than to Freud. I have taken the Myers-Briggs Jungian personality test quite a number of times now and I always get the same result, which is an IFNP. I never thought that something so simple as a personality test could describe me and how my mind works so accurately. I already have a few labels, Aspie, Pisces, Twin Flame etc. I didn’t think I would find another label that would describe me so well that I could be reduced to tears when hearing other INFPs talking about their own experiences. This is the thing I have been looking for my whole life, so it seems. I now know why I’m so different and feel so isolated from the mainstream. I certainly use a LOT of introverted feeling (FI) and I can be very idealistic at times, but due to immense disappointment I have gone through in life, I can at times be pessimistic and call it being realistic, not the best tendency but I have it .
Throughout my life, I have always struggled with accepting myself and still do. I have not been through anything majorly traumatic but I am a very sensitive person and always have been. Another label which could be attached to me is “Adult Child of an Alcoholic” because I have grown up around alcoholism and a dysfunctional household. Thankfully I have one parent who is not a drinker or co-dependant, so it’s really not all bad. But for someone like me, it wasn’t easy. Lol I really sound like a whiney person possibly but oh well. Anyhow, I did have some friends at school thankfully some, of who remain my friends to this day, but I was never very popular and I did get picked on sometimes which really did hurt me. Because I am such an emotional and feeling person, I really can take things to heart and be very hurt by what people say often unnecessarily and when I was younger, those memories got stored within my subconscious and I still allow them to affect me by not expressing myself and hiding myself away.
Anyway, now I can feel a bit better and more understood now that I have discovered that I’m an IFNP and that there are others like me and only 4% of us or something along those lines. For a long time now, my Soul has wanted me to become one with her and to be my true self. This is something which scares my ego a lot because my ego doesn’t want to be rejected or criticised or told that she isn’t good enough simply for being herself. So, with what I’ve gone through in life, my subconscious inner message has always been “Hide! Or you might noticed, and then judged and deemed unacceptable”. That is the message that my subconscious took on, sometime within my childhood and it is what I have been carrying around with me the whole time. Now my Soul calls me to be her and to let her be heard and to take any criticism or negative feedback with a grain of salt and not to let it affect me. That is all I would want, is to be free to be myself and not give two shits about what anyone has to say. That is why I am trying to be more musically involved now even though I’m terrified to put my art out there, I know I have to in order to evolve spiritually.
Okay, enough rambling for now. I hope that you enjoyed reading my blog and about my weirdness. I have come to accept it gradually and have realised that I wouldn’t change it for the world but I’ll save that for another post!
Peace out for now!
Alessa tRipPS! 🙂